All My Firends Are Superheroes - Andrew Kaufman (2)

'Think about your girlfriend,' Ambrose commanded.

'My wife,' Tom said.

'Whatever, just picture her face.'

Tom pictured the Perfectionist's face.

'Now picture her best feature,' Ambrose instructed.

Tom pictured the Perfectionist's nose. He felt Ambrose's hand on his heart. Tom took shallow breaths. Ambrose reached behind his heart. He squeezed form underneath and quick line of blood squired up, hitting Ambrose face.

'That might be it,' Ambrose said, reaching to his back pocket, grabbing the rag and wiping of his face.

'What? What is it?'

'When was the last time you had this cleaned?'

'I never had it cleaned.'

'Exactly,' Ambrose said.

---

Someone knocked on her door.

'Just ignore it and it'll go away,' the Perfectionist said.

She leaned in closer. Tom felt her breath on his lips. There was another knock.

'I'll... I'll get it,' said Tom.

The Perfectionist sighed. Tom wiped his hand on his jeans. He got off the couch and opened the door. He had almost no time to react - the monster at the door was struggling to claw his face off.

Tom slammed the door shut. He locked it. He put his back to it. The thing stated screaming. It sounded like a blender.

'Was it tall?' the Perfectionist asked him.

'What?' Tom yelled. The thing was screaming very loudly.

'Was it tall?'

'Yes!'

'Pointed fingernails?'

'Yes!'

'Long, scabby arms?'

'Yes!'

'It smelled like cigarettes and cough syrup?'

'That's it!'

'That's an anxiety monster,' she said. 'I'm having a bath.'

'What?' Tom screamed.

'It's for you, not me. I'm having a bath,' she stated. Tom didn't reply. His back remained firmly pressed to her front door. She saw the look of terror in his eyes.

'Do you love me? she asked him.

[...]

'Do you love me?' the Perfectionist repeated.

'Yes' Tom said.

'Then trust me. I'm going to have a bath.'

The Perfectionist got off the couch. She walked around her living room collecting objects: candles, a lighter, a portable tape deck. She carried these thing into the bathroom. The bathroom door closed.

Tom heard her filling the bathtub. The tape deck played Motown. He sat on the couch with his legs pulled up to his chest as the Anxiety Monster's fingers ripped splinters from the door. It started throwing its weight against the door. The hinges came away from the wall. The Monster slammed into the door again. The door-hinge screws were three-quarters out. Tom was overwhelmed. He fainted.

When he woke up, two hours later, the Perfectionist was playing solitaire. She looked over at him. She smiled. She looked back at her cards.

'Feel better?' she asked.

He did. There was no sign of the Anxiety Monster.

'What happened?' he asked her.

'It left,' she said. She moved a black nine onto a red ten.

'It just left?'

'There are two ways to get rid of an anxiety monster, my friend - either you take a bath or a nap.'

All My Firends Are Superheroes - Andrew Kaufman (1)

Andrew Kaufman is a great writer. I read the tiny book "The tiny Wife" in December and loved it. "All My Friends Are Superheroes" is also a super good book. Short with it's 106 pages and it made me laugh and wounder how Kaufman's brain works that can come up with all the things he writes about.

It's about Tom, a non superhero, that is married to The Perfectionist. She has a bit of a jealous ex boyfriend, Hypno, that hypnotize The Perfectionist not to see Tom. Tom does all to make her see him again.

All the friends that Tom has are superheroes, he's the only one without super powers, and the book presents some of the superheroes. Falling girl is my favorite, but there are so many good ones.

FALLING GIRL

Falling girl won't go higher then the second floor of any building. She's never set foot on a balcony and the floor is the only place she'll sit. A small sample of things she's fallen from includes trees, cars, grace, first-story windows, horses, ladders, bicycles, the wagon, countless kitchen counters and her grandmother's knee.

Smoking beside the Ear on winter night, she wiggled deeper under the sheets and admitted the only thing she's never fallen from, or into, was love. 'If that's how you do it, I would have done it,' she said. Then she leaned over to butt out her cigarette and fell out of the bed.

---

THE COUCH SURFER

Empowered with the ability to sustain life and limb without a job, steady companion or permanent place of residence, the Couch Surfer can be found roaming from couch to couch of friend's apartments all around the city.

The Couch Surfer is not only able to withstand long periods of acute poverty but is also able to nutritionally sustain himself with only handfuls of breakfast cereals, slices of dry bread and condiments. Mysteriously always has cigarettes.

---

The next night Tom stated having pains in his chest. The first one came at ten in the evening. It was sharp and enduring. He doubled over but it passed. The next two hours later; by the morning they came every ten minutes. The Perfectionist was sleeping and he knew not to touch her. He called the Amphibian.

'Hey.' said Tom.

'Hey,' said the Amphibian.

'Ahhhh,' said Tom. A pain shot through his heart.

'What is happening?'

'Pain in my chest.'

'Sharp and enduring?'

'Yes.'

'But recurring?'

'Yes!'

'In great frequency?'

'Less then ten minutes now.'

'I'm sending over a doctor.'

'What is it?'

'He's the best there is.'

'Tell me what it is!'

'Your heart is breaking,' said the Amphibian said.